It’s a common belief that most people have strong inner pull towards becoming a parent or remaining childfree. But not everyone does. What is it like when we are waiting for an inner aha moment that never comes? The uncertainty can feel lonely, shameful, or confusing, especially if we have known so very clearly what we want out of life in other ways.
This decision feels like the biggest one we’ll ever make. And, truly, it is momentous, but also not necessarily predictive of a happy life. Ambivalence about which path to take deserves more than a pro/con list and therapy can be a place to explore all the options and possibilities.
Sometimes it’s not so simple, though. Intentionally or not, therapists are notorious for butting in and inserting their own ‘stuff’ into the exploration, which is unhelpful at best. Providers can wield a lot of power as we facilitate a discussion about parenting paths. So, my first bit of advice is to vet the person you will be working with. Ask us all the questions you’d like to find a fit that is safe and comfortable!
Ways that therapy can support this process:
- Clarifying values and identity – Exploring what parenthood (or non-parenthood) means, apart from family, culture, or partner expectations. Imagining living our values along both paths.
- Untangling social pressure – Recognizing messages from friends, family, or society that may overpower our own needs.
- Making space for ambivalence – Even though it’s often unsettling, it can help to explore and normalize mixed feelings instead of forcing certainty.
- Understanding relationship dynamics – If we are in a partnership, examining how the decision intersects with the partner(s) hopes, communication patterns, or conflicts. How could this decision impact our other types of relationships?
- Exploring grief and fear – Processing losses, regrets, or “what ifs” tied to fertility, timing, or life paths.
- Reflecting on your own upbringing – Exploring how our childhood experiences, role models, and family stories shape what “being a parent” or “not being one” means to us today.
- Assessing readiness and capacity – Looking openly at emotional, physical, and financial realities.
- Developing self-trust – Strengthening confidence in our ability to live meaningfully with whatever choice is made.
- Planning for future wellbeing – Mapping supports and coping strategies for either outcome.
And, of course there are more aspects to consider based on circumstances and needs. I encourage you to make space for yourself to process this ambivalence!
Resources to support your journey
I want to recognize that therapy is not always accessible and/or you may be looking for additional resources. Here are some options that may resonate:
- Books: I often recommend The Baby Decision by Merle Bombardieri and Others Like Me by Nicole Louie
- Podcasts: Kids or Childfree is fantastic. Claiming Zero has great discussions of both fence-sitting and childfree choice
- Communities: Take a peek into the social media communities of either parenting status! Groups, blogs, etc about parenting abound, so to make your exploration more relevant check out those that represent similar a lived experience and cultural background as yours.
Image description: A wooded path diverges to two options of trails to take. Photo credit: Pexels
